Between Friends

Between Friends

by Kristy Kiernan

336 pages

*** About the Book ***

Fifteen years ago Ali and Benny were struggling to have a baby together. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) was a new thing at the time and the couple decided to give it a shot. When Ali’s best friend Cora volunteered to donate her own eggs to the process, Ali was thrilled. Eventually Ali have birth to a beautiful daughter, Letty. Benny and Ali have raised Letty to understand the entire process that led to her birth, and to have a close relationship with “Aunt Cora” whenever she is in town.

Now Letty is a teenager and things are changing. She is sneaking out, seeing a boyfriend her parents don’t know about, and generally heading down the wrong path. And Cora is back in town for an unexplained visit, hiding a huge secret from Ali and her family. What does all this have to do with IVF? You’ll just have to read the book to find out!


*** Why I Read It ***

Kristy Kiernan wrote a book called MATTERS OF FAITH that I read a while back. She did an excellent job portraying the realities of living with a child who has severe food allergies. [In case you are new here, Kiddo has enormous food allergy issues.] When we exchanged emails after her interview on my blog, she mentioned that her next book dealt with fertility issues. I immediately asked to review it when it came out because this is yet another subject that I have firsthand experience with. If you want to read about my personal fertility issues, I’ve included it bit at the bottom of this post (but feel free to skip that part if you don’t want to know that much about me!).


*** My Thoughts ***

I don’t often read books like this - contemporary fiction, women’s literature, or whatever you want to call it – but every once in a while something catches my attention. With this book it was the subject matter and the fact that it came from an author I trust. And she didn’t let me down.

The story is told in alternating points of view by Ali, Cora, and Letty. I enjoyed getting to know each of these women and learning about the important people in their lives. From time to time one of them would say or do something and I would think, “Aha! I know EXACTLY what that feels like.”* There was even a point toward the end of the book that made me cry – and that never happens. [For those who’ve read it, it was the letter right near the end.]

I was quite surprised to realize that this book deals with a lot more than fertility issues; that, in fact, IVF is almost the background for a larger story. I can’t tell you one of the topics that it goes into or I’d spoil the story for you, but it does deal with teen sexuality and family dynamics as well as friendship and of course fertility.

On the whole I really enjoyed this book. The ending might have been a bit to “neat” for me but that is the biggest complaint I can come up with. It was a quick and easy read and it definitely gave me some things to think about.

* After I wrote this I looked by at my review of MATTERS OF FAITH and realized that I used almost the same words in that review.  It just goes to prove that Kristy is consistently good at conveying a reality that I can identify with!


*** Your Thoughts ***

Do you read books about issues you’re dealing with in your own life? If so, do you go with fiction or non-fiction? Do you find that it helps? In what way?


*** My IVF Experience ***

In case you are wondering, here’s what my husband and I have gone through in the fertility arena.

• It took over a year to get pregnant with Kiddo, which we eventually did without “assistance”.
• Two years after he was born, I still hadn’t been able to get pregnant again.
• We tried fertility medication … 8 times. This stuff made my psycho. Literally.
• We tried artificial insemination … 3 times. This required a few shots and a few minor medical procedures.
• We tried IVF … 2 times. This required an enormous amount of shots and several surgeries. Plus I had repeated allergic reactions to one of the injectable medications.
• The 2nd IVF resulted in a miscarriage extremely early on, before I knew for sure I was pregnant. That was about four years ago or so.
• At this point we have no more insurance coverage for fertility treatments, and no confidence that it would work anyway.
• We also have 2 frozen embryos that we are continuing to pay to keep in storage. We can’t decide what to do with them – look for a surrogate to carry them (if they are even viable) or try to implant them in me (without much hope of success).

All that said, I am not bitter about it. I had been, in the past, but I’m not now. It took years, but I’m finally able to be happy for friends who are pregnant and to attend their baby showers. I can’t say that I love being around babies most of the time, but it doesn’t make me extremely uncomfortable like it used to.  Plus I've got the best Kiddo in the world already. :)

And that’s my story, for those of you who wanted to know ...

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis: A Life

(If you are here through Show & Tell this week, I posted this particular review because of it's treatment of infertility and infant loss.)

This month my book club tried something new: each person read a biography of their choice of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. At the meeting we discussed not only her life but also the various ways that same life was handled by each author. (You can read more about our book club meeting, including what each gal read, here.)

I chose to read Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis: A Life, by Donald Spoto. Perhaps it was simply because I didn't know a great deal about Jackie, but I found this book to be fascinating!

Of course I've always known WHO Jackie is. Just like I've always known who John F. Kennedy is. But boy, I really didn't know ANYTHING about their lives. From Jackie's social climbing mother and philandering father to her induction into the boisterous and all-powerful Kennedy clan, from her controversial marriage to Aristotle Onassis to her career as editor and her relationship with Maurice Templesman, Spoto's book covered it all. Despite her insecurities, Jackie was a highly intelligent woman who charmed statesmen (like Charles de Gaulle) and influence politics behinds the scenes (by educating John Kennedy and guiding his decisions). She was truly an amazing woman.

I won't go into her whole life here, but I do want to mention a few things that might be appealing to all you bookish people out there. ~ During Jackie's days at boarding school, she read Jane Eyre. The school itself had a bit of a mystery in it's recent history, and many of the girls identified with the characters in Jane Eyre because of that. ~ John Kennedy was a sickly child and spent much of his time in bed reading. ~ When John and Jackie were dating, they most often gave each other books as gifts. ~ Jackie read books in several languages and often translated important parts for John when he was President. ~ During her marriage to Onassis, she often read a book a day while staying in Greece. ~ In her later years she turned per passion for language and books into a highly successful career as an editor. ~ She once introduced her son, John, to her boss by saying, "John, this is the man who gives me money to buy books." I loved reading that line; despite her large fortune, she still appreciated her career and it's connection to books. ~ Jackie's love of books, reading, and learning is a big theme throughout her life.

Another part of her life I found very interesting was her experiences with pregnancy and childbirth. Again, because I didn't live through this time period I had no idea about this (although my mom and other ladies in my book club remembered some of this very clearly). Jackie miscarried her first child very early in the pregnancy. Her second pregnancy went full term (I think - I can't quite recall now) but resulted in a stillborn daughter, Arabella. Her third pregnancy was successful; daughter Caroline was born safe and healthy. John Jr. followed a few years later, but his birth was scary (Jackie started bleeding and delivered a bit early). Jackie's last pregnancy resulted in the birth of a boy, Patrick, who lived for only two days. For the most part, John Kennedy was uninvolved with the births (and deaths) of his children. The loss of the first two pregnancies didn't seem to affect him at all. The death of Patrick was a different story though; most people agree that he was a changed man after that loss. [As a side note, Spoto's book does not delve into the possible reasons for any of the pregnancy losses but one of the books another book club gal read did; her book suggests that John had Chlamydia and that it had something to do with Jackie's infertility.]

And speaking of Patrick, after his death in August 1963, Jackie went away for two weeks in October to basically escape her life. When she returned, her relationship with her husband was better than it had ever been. The following month, John and Jackie traveled to Texas to campaign ... and John was killed. Less than 5 years later, Martin Luther King - a man she greatly admired and supported - was killed. Two months after that, her brother-in-law Robert Kennedy was killed. By this point, Jackie was scared - and with reason. I can't believe how much trauma this woman had in her life in such a short period of time. For me, the most chilling line in the book was when Jackie expressed her fear for her children's lives to a friend, saying "They are killing Kennedys!"

I can't say enough how fascinating this book was to me. I'll admit that it was the subject matter that intrigued me, but Spoto's treatment of his subject was quite good as well. I found out later that Spoto has written many other biographies. I'm not surprised! He has the ability to touch on the important events without going overboard on them while not completely neglecting the lesser events. All in all,, I highly recommend this book.

In Defense of Food

I just finished reading Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food. Wow, was this an eye-opening read! It IS a bit hard to review though, so I'm grateful for the questions submitted by the Weekly Geeks. (Go check out this post if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Book Zombie asks: Why did you decide to read this book? Because of this review. I've never wanted to read a "food book" before, but I was intrigued and so I requested it from the library. Because I chose to read it after seeing it reviewed, it fits with the Irresistible Review Challenge.

Julie asks: Did you change your eating habits after reading this book? That's an intriguing question. I had Julie's question in mind as I read, so I think that influenced me; I WANTED to change in part because of her question (does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is that her question influenced the way I looked at the book as I read it). I WANT to change my eating habits but of course it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm definitely more aware of what I'm eating now, and I'm pretty grossed out by it honestly. My next shopping trip will be a painful one as I try to decide which foods I need to eliminate. Oh joy.

GraySkyEyes asks: Which of his arguments do you think is most compelling? Do you think you'll incorporate any of his suggestions into your normal eating routine?

Jessica has similar questions: How do you feel about the "whole foods" thing? Is it something you could actually accomplish with your eating?

A few things really stuck in my mind after I finished this book. Here are the ones I found the most compelling:

• nutrition science tells us that we can't understand on our own what is good for us and what is not (contrary to thousands of years of evidence) - Pollan likens nutritionists to a "priesthood" that translates the unknown to the masses
  
• the health of the soil affects the health of the plants affects the health of the animals eating the plants affects our health when we eat the plants and animals
• humans can survive and be healthy on a wide variety of diets, but NOT on the "Western diet" of processed food
• foods are more than the sum of their nutritional parts - scientists still can't determine exactly what nutrients are in each food item OR how those foods work with others to affect our health
• Americans eat in different ways than other cultures - we focus on speed whereas other cultures focus on the meal as an event - we see food as merely fuel for our bodies rather than a cultural experience
  
• WAY to much of our diet is based on soy and corn - the facts he presented were mind-boggling to me
• taking time to really prepare a meal makes you more attuned to the food you're eating
  

My plan is to be more aware of what I'm eating for starters. I'm looking into the CSA programs mentioned in the book - I thought that was a wonderful idea! [It's a program where you get local produce delivered to you each week.] Hopefully I'll be able to find new foods that can be added to our diet to replace some things that I want to cut out or cut down on. I don't think I can honestly follow all the suggestions in this book, but at least I'm aware now of what I'm eating. I'll be on the lookout for more "natural" foods, "whole" foods, and less "food-like substances" for sure!

One thing I want to bring up ...

I do want to mention something that really freaked me out: the discussion of soy-based products, particularly soy isoflavones . Pollan explained that soy isoflavones are "compounds that resemble estrogen .... It is unclear whether these so-called phytoestrogens actually behave like estrogen in the body or only fool it into thinking they're estrogen." With so many women (including myself) diagnosed with fertility problems, this sent up huge red flags for me. How many other additives are influencing our reproductive systems in ways that we don't yet understand?!

Thanks to everyone who asked questions - it was really helpful to me in writing this review.

If you've reviewed this, I'd love to post your link here!
The Inside Cover

Update on NaComLeavMo

To all my regular readers, I'll be back to my bookish posts soon!

June 25th marks the end of NaComLeavMo. Whew! I really enjoyed it but it's a LOT of work and I need a break. For those who don't know, it's basically a month of visiting new blogs and leaving comments ... and it is ridiculously addicting!

Like I mentioned before, there are MANY infertility bloggers participating - logically, since it was started by someone "in the trenches" - which is sometimes difficult for me (since I had my own infertility issues) but still, I'm glad took part.

This post will be sort of a wrap up for NaComLeavMo, a chance for me to say a lot of the things that crossed my mind during the month.

First off, many people dropped by who don't usually visit my blog, and most of them aren't book bloggers. Do you want to know the comment I heard most often? "Oh, I wish I had the time to read ... it's so relaxing but I'm just too busy." This comment drives me crazy. I mean, do they think I'm not busy? I have a 6 yr old boy and a husband, I work full time, am involved in my church, run scrapbook workshops every month, am part of a big family who loves to get together, and in general I have a life. Yet I still find time to read - and to read a lot - because it is a priority for me. Ok, that's my only rant ... the rest of this post is productive info! ~LOL~

The biggest issue that I was reminded of during NaComLeavMo is that people can be REALLY insensitive to each other. The bloggers I met were very lovely and kind. However pretty much every one of them has experienced some degree of insensitivity relating to their infertility. Read on to see what I mean ...

We all know people say STUPID things sometimes. All of us have some particular issue in our lives that other people just don't get. Currently, my big issue is my son's food allergies (check out my previous post for details). But I also deal with infertility issues. At this point, hubby and I are not trying any more medical treatments and have resigned ourselves to the fact that we will not have any more children ... and we're ok with that. We STILL get insensitive comments though. As a public service to other infertile women out there, here's a primer on the do's and don'ts of what to say in regard to several big issues:

• the "baby question" - no, it is not always ok to ask someone if or when they plan to have children - click here for an excellent guide to the do's and don'ts - and here is another take on the same matter - and here's one for those of you who love sarcasm
  
• miscarriage - for those of you who know someone who has lost a child, click here for some excellent advice on what to say and what not to say (this applies to anyone dealing with any type of loss) - also, don't assume that because a woman doesn't have any children, that's she's never been pregnant ... many women are mourning the loss of their unborn children but you'd never know it, because it's a difficult subject to talk about
  

If you really want to be informed about the issue of infertility, please watch the video below. It's a bit long but includes excellent info that most people just don't know. I wish I had this video to share with friends/family when I was going through fertility treatments.




Ok, that's probably about enough for now. This blog is supposed to be about BOOKS after all!

Thanks again to Mel for putting together NaComLeavMo. If you'd like to participate, the new format will be IComLeavWe - a WEEK of comment-leaving once a month, which seems much easier! I hope we'll have even more participants from the farthest reaches of the blogosphere. In the meantime, find a good book and get reading!

Stone Creek

First off, I have to say Thank You to bookclubgirl for sending me a copy of this book. Thank you so much!

I first heard about Stone Creek by Victoria Lustbader in this post. It's not the kind of book that I usually like to read (I'll admit ... I'm a book snob, but I'm trying really hard to reform myself!) but it intrigued me for some reason so I decided to give it a try.

Here's a brief overview from the back of the book:

Danny, a young widower, still grieves for his late wife, but for the sake of his five-year-old son, Caleb, he knows he must move on. Alone in her summer house, Lily has left her workaholic husband, Paul, to his long hours and late nights back in the city. In Stone Creek, she can yearn in solitude for the treasure she's been denied: a child.

It took me a while to get into this book. My biggest - and really ONLY - complaint is the point of view (POV). Stone Creek is told in the 3rd person by an omniscient narrator who relates what each character is saying/doing/thinking at all times. This was somewhat uncomfortable for me to read, although I can't say for sure why. I have a hard time with 3rd person narratives in general; I'd much rather a book be told in the 1st person, it just works better for me. However, once I got used to the POV and the flow of the story I really did enjoy this book!

As a side note, something that caught my attention at the very beginning of the book was the fact that Lily likes bats. I thought I was the only one! I know it's silly but that little fact made me love Lily even more. Bats are the coolest creatures ever, right? Anybody? Anybody at all???

But on to the real "meat" of the book ...

This book really touched me in a number of ways. Lustbader's descriptions of various interactions between characters and those characters' innermost feelings were excellent. Lily's hunger for a child is evident early on in the book; you can almost feel it along with her. At one point she is looking around at a party she's hosting and seeing it as if it were a play:

Lily's character is missing, of course, and from the perspective of her distant remove she sees yet another gaping absence in the cast. There should be a toddler. As comic relief, perhaps. Somewhere amid all that sizable flesh and bone there should be something about three feet tall with outstretched chubby arms and pumping chubby lets and wild dark foolish hair, alternately ignored or avidly gathered up, stumbling after everyone and trailing gleeful laughter. There should be their child. But all there is is the shadow that only she can see.

Man, if that doesn't catch at your heart strings I don't know what will.

Lustbader captures reality in her simple descriptions. At one point Danny is holding his son, Caleb, who suddenly falls asleep in his arms; then "Danny's body relaxes, his vulnerable parts ... all safe for the moment from the sharp weaponry of Caleb's arms and legs in motion." Anyone whose ever held a 5 year old knows all about those pointy elbows and knees - I could just FEEL my son on my lap squirming around as a read those words.

The tension in the novel builds steadily and I really did not know what was going to happen ... or even what I WANTED to happen. The tangle of emotions Lustbader creates is very real; it's easy to believe that this story could actually happen.

On the whole I truly enjoyed this book. It was an easy read (once I got used to the POV) and would be a perfect vacation read.

I was going to give away my copy in a contest but now I can't because I got it all wet. See, what happened was ... I was fighting the fact that I needed to turn on the air conditioning in my house. Instead I laid on my bed with a cool, wet rag across my forehead and pretended I was comfortable. Sometime during the night, the wet rag landed on my book and spent the night there. My lovely, perfect, NEW book now looks like it was dropped in the pool and left out to dry. :( Oops. Now I have the air conditioning on.

NaComLeavMo: What?! and Welcome!

NaComLeavMo: More Conversation Than You Can Shake a Stick at

What exactly is NaComLeavMo you may (rightly!) ask? Well, I first heard about it while visiting www.blogher.com, although now I can't find the original post about it. Then I visited the hostess's blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. (Weird name, yes, but it makes sense when you realize it's an infertility blog~ LOL)

NaComLeaveMo is short for National Comment Leaving Month. The idea behind this is to get more interaction between bloggers, especially those from different parts of the blogosphere. It started with the Infertility Bloggers last year but is open to EVERYONE with ANY kind of blog now.

You can read all the "rules" here, but basically here's what you need to know:

mark somewhere on your calendar that you are going to leave 5 comments a day and return one comment a day between May 25 and June 25. In other words, you will do your normal blog reading, but you will make sure that you leave at least 5 comments a day and regardless of how many comments you usually receive, you will return at least 1 comment by going to a commentor's blog and leaving a comment there. If you do not have any comments that day (perhaps you didn't write a new post or your blog falls into a strange, other-worldly commentless abyss), simply jump to the participant's list and pick a new blog and leave a comment.

Pretty simple. But brilliant, really. There are so many people out there with fascinating blogs yet most of us only stay within our comfortable little blogging groups. This is the perfect excuse to break out of your comfort zone and find new blogs to explore!

If you'd like to participate, sign up here, then get started commenting! As of today, there are 167 bloggers registered. I realize that most are from Infertility Blogs (scroll to the bottom for more on that*) but the goal is to branch out to include lots of other types of blogs so please get involved!

For those of you who are visiting me because of NaComLeavMo - thank you! Welcome! I encourage you to check out some of the blogs listed in my sidebar. Also, please visit The Hidden Side of a Leaf and check out the Weekly Geeks posts. Dewey has a great group of bloggers participating in this weekly challenge. Previous activities included blogging about your favorite childhood books, and posting about a social issue you are interested in. You can quickly visit lots of fantastic blogs, and I know everyone would love more comments!

Happy Commenting to all!

*On a personal note, I'm having a hard time visiting the Infertility blogs. Although I do have one child, I've tried for years to have another without success. We did 8 rounds of Clomid, three artificial inseminations, two rounds of in-vitro, and an exploratory surgery. Finally we resigned ourselves to having just one child and let go of the hope for more. In general, I'm ok with that decision ... but reading about it all over again is really hard for me. SO ... I'll do my best to visit those blogs but I can't say how well I'll do over the course of the month.